


literally Jeff just CAN NOT stop masturbating and then his roommate snowman goes and has sex with spades slick and hes also masturbating too much, and then a funeral

by Writefuck



Category: Homestuck, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff
Genre: Cyborgs, F/M, Masturbation, hatefucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 04:26:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12380883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writefuck/pseuds/Writefuck
Summary: look at the title not the summary it tells you every thing you need to know. 8V





	literally Jeff just CAN NOT stop masturbating and then his roommate snowman goes and has sex with spades slick and hes also masturbating too much, and then a funeral

Snowman burst into Hella Jeff's room just in time to watch him jizz for the seventh time.

"Jeff you classless retard," she screamed, "Can you stop masturbating for five fucking minutess in your worthless life?!"

Still mid-jizz, Hella Jeff slowly rotated in his computer chair, allowing the screen to come into view. Snowman failed to avert her eyes in time and was accosted by a graphic depiction involve a lewd animu girl performing acts with an amount of horses which is technically illegal in 49 of the 50 US states as well as most of the european union. (Belgium and South Dakota have very lax standards)

"Fuck!" she screamed, shielding her eyes from the onslaught. A stray jet of spunk hit the brim of her hat, bounced off, and landed on the filthy floor with a faint splut. "We need to talk about this. You have a problem."

"Roomie, you are harshing my wicked fap session," replied Hella Jeff, cock still in hand. He had set the whole day aside for a nonstop smut fest and had no time for his roommate's complaints. She had interrupted round seven and if she insisted on confronting him she might end up the unwilling subject of round eight.

"Let's trying to be reasonable adults about this," said Snowman, continuing to cover her eyes. Before she could continue she was intrrupted by a sudden and painful increase in volume from the computer, as Hella Jeff turned the volume up to max. The sounds of a squealing anime girl and the jello-esque sound effects drowned out any argument she began to make.

Downstairs, a furious Spade Slick was interrupted from his own masturbation session by the sound of his upstairs neighbor's incredibly loud hentai. His robo-hand reluctantly releaed his robo cock and his red cyber eye narrowed with seething rage. Was that a horse? He thought he heard a woman's voice yelling something along the lines of, "WILL YOU PAUSE THAT FUCKING VIDEO FOR FIVE SECONDS SO WE CAN TALK, GOD YOU ARE THE MOST IMMATURE ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH, OH GOD WHY DID I OPEN MY EYES, I GIVE UP, I'M LEAVING" but the dialog seemed out of place in a hentai. Slick tried to go back to masturbating, but the anime sound track from upstairs was far too distracting. He could barely focus on his own porn, must less maintain an erection.

Minutes later there came a knock at the door. Who could that be? Did he order takeout and forget? No, it couldn't be that because Spades Slick never tipped and most places refused to deliver anymore. Whoever it was, they could get lost as far as Slick was concerned. He was far too busy seething with barely contained rage.

The asshole knocked again. Slick considered his options. He could open the door like a polite individual and see who it was. This was the least appealing option. He could shoot the motherfucker. That one usually brightened up his day an iota or two. He could ignore them, and sit here focusing on how incredibly angry he was and how incredibly shitty his neighbor upstairs was. God, those were definitely horse noises.

There was a loud bang, as Snowman kicked in the door. "SLIIICK!!!" she screamed. She was mad as hell and wanted to deal with it the only way she knew how. A moment later the angry cyborg stepped into the room.

"The fuck do you want?" grumbled the cyborg. Upon seeing Snowman he realized he had forgotten to put his pants on, which hardly matterd since his lower half was robotic anyway.

"You," replied Snowman, "Me. Your robot-cock inside me. Now." Her jacket was already thrown to the floor, exposing her carapacian titties. Slick had a moment to wonder why she wasn't wearing any clothes under her jacket before she had thrown herself upon him. The distractions from earlier were quickly forgotten as his robo-cock rubbed against her naked form. Their mutual frustration only served to fuel their lust as they stumbled their way towards Slick's bedroom.

Back upstairs, Hella Jeff was going for his ninth orgasm. He had twelve tabs open on and spread across three monitors, the volume turned up so high that he was likely to blow out his speakers. The bass thumped and the floor shook. There was a tremendous racket coming from downstairs. A femenine scream of carnal pleasure and a mechanical squealing of robotic parts trying to hold back. Wait a minute, that wasn't coming from Go Go Hentai Slut 6: Lewd Horse Ecchi. In fact, nothing from his computer should sound like that. There was a loud thump as someone was thrusted upward with such force that they slamed into the ceiling.

Hella Jeff hit the mute button on his keyboard just in time to hear the first crack of splintering wood. And then the floor collapsed underneath him.

\---

The funeral was closed- casket. Aradia, the funeral director, had insisted that putting to rest a man who had maintained an erection past the point of rigir mortis was indecent, and frankly nobody wanted to see that anyway. Tears abounded and everyone was in attendance; Spades and Snowman, who had denied any involvement in the tragic freak accident; the rest of the Midnight Crew and the entire Felt, who had set aside their differences long enough to pay respects to their dearly deparded mutual friend; Sweet Bro, who had thus far spent the entire funeral masturbating in tribute; Dave Strider, the landlord who would eventually pay to repair the celing and who was there ironically; also Geomy was there.

"And now," said Jane the funeral director, "the deceased's dearest friend would like to say a few words." Sweet Bro thought she meant him at first and stopped masturbating for a moment, as he fumbled through his pockets for a speech he hadn't prepared. Then Geromy stood and approached the altar. Everyone wept as he slowly ascended the stairs. After a taking a mment to collect himself, he began.

"For those who do not know who I am, my name is Geromy and I have be given the honor of giving this Eulogy for an amazing man and a good friend, Hella Jeff.

"My relationship with Jeff began nearly thirty years ago, at the time I was working at Shenton Park Hospital on Ward One along with Sweet Bro. I remember the day I met Jeff, it was his first day at work and he was introduced to me as Sweet Bro's roommate. 

"Well, most times when you meet someone for the first time, you’re a little apprehensive because you’re curious about the person. You wonder if he's a good person, how much of yourself do you put into the greeting, and could there be a friendship between us?

"Now, friendship is not an easy thing to grasp. It’s not something you can see or touch or put into words easily. It’s something you feel. When I first met Hella Jeff, I was faced with this pale face young man who had a boyish looks, and when he was introduced as Sweet Bro’s roommate, Jeff leaned towards me and as he stretched out his hand to shake mine, he said with a big smile on his face, “Actually it’s Jeff. Hella Jeff." I then knew and felt that we would be friends, for Jeff surely had a gift of making you feel so welcome and at ease. 

"As the years went on, I have gotten to know this amazing man, how he was such a very kind and caring person with such a big heart and when you combined this with his humorous and cheeky nature, life was always a lot of joy and laughter around him.

"Having worked closely with Jeff on Ward One all this years, I saw how so caring, compassionate and respectful he was, not only to the people he worked with, but to patients he looked after and also the families of those patients. I have watched these families come into the ward with sadness in their eyes and a heavy heart, but Jeff would always be able to bring some brightness in their day and make them laugh. That is a gift and he was so good at it. It was his nature and that was one of the things I loved so much about Jeff. 

"There was a short poem from school that has always reminded me of Jeff – 

“I shall pass through this world but once, any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now, let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

"I remember many times during our afternoon shifts, in between the turns (those who worked in the hospital would know what I mean) we would to go out the back near the boiler room and we would talk serious men stuff (I know some of our better halves out there would think it would have been a pile of rubbish and it was), but there was one topic that was not and it was another thing I loved about him. 

"Jeff was a family man, when there were just the two of us out there, we would always asked about each other’s family. Jeff spoke about his friends back in Texas and how his life has changed, but now his life is here with Sweet Bro. So many a times he would say how he loved being a useless piece of shit and playing video games all day, and I could always see in his eyes how much he loved Sweet Bro when he spoke about him and how much he meant to him. 

"In 1995 I left Shenton Park and moved to another field of employment, sadly Jeff and I only caught up on certain occasions like events at the hospital, at a dinner or weddings, but every time we meet I would see that same boyish face with the cheeky smile and when we tried to hug each other, the time since we last met just disappeared.

"I caught up with Jeff at the Shenton Park Closing down Ball, I did not know what to expect, but as soon as I saw that smile and that friendly face, I had to try to give him a hug, I felt it was the Jeff I knew. During that night as I was going to the men’s room when I saw Sweet Bro sitting near the door, he told me that Jeff was in the toilet and asked if I could check on him.

"When I entered the toilet I saw that Jeff was upset, when I asked him if he was alright, he said, it’s not me I am upset about, he said he knew it was bad, but what upset him the most, was how he is going to tell Sweet Bro? So I gave him a hug, at that time some others who were also concerned had come in to see how Jeff was. As they helped him out, Jeff looked at me and raised his eye brow, I felt there was something he wanted to say but did not have the chance. 

"The following week I rang Jeff up and we went to the Spornts Bar for lunch, it was a beautiful day, the sun was bright and the air so clear. We made small talk for a little while before he said, how about we really talk because I need to, so we ordered lunch and a couple of beers because I needed it.

"Whilst sitting looking at the ocean, Jeff said to me that he had an amazing life with Sweet Bro, who he loved so dearly, and he was so grateful to so many friends and family who have been so wonderful in helping Sweet Bro and him through what they were going through. 

"As we spoke about our families, Jeff said, “I’ll tell you about my life, before I met Sweet Bro, it was like I was in a car driving around with no directions or destination, people I meet along the way would jump in the car and ride along with me until it was time for them to get out. The day I met Sweet Bro, he jumped in the front seat with me and that was his seat from now on. Others we met would still come for a ride in the back seat and would get out when it was their time. I never heard Jeff talk like that before.

"I told Jeff that I understood what he met, he then says, “Geromy you know what I have learned about life? So I said what, he tells me that in three words he could sum up everything he learnt about life, “It goes on”. 

"At that he took drink from his glass of beer, I just looked at him and at that point of time I realized how amazing this man is, the strength his has, the dignity he possesses, I have known many a man in less situation then Jeff that would of been bitter, angry and selfish because of it.

"Jeff looked at me again and said, “Because life goes on, there are two things I would like you to do for me when I die and, you’re only to mention these at my funeral."

"For the past year I have kept in my heart these two things that Jeff tasked me to do when he died. This last while I have been trying to assess when it would be an appropriate time to bring it up with Sweet Bro, but last week as I sat in the lounge with Snowman, the phone rang and Sweet Bro had asked me to give this Eulogy, I was so glad to be given this honor and I can’t put it out of my head that Jeff had the vision to set this in motion the day he asked me to do those two things.

"One of the tasks that he asked me to tell Sweet Bro to do, I have taken upon myself to do as I have been given this opportunity of giving this eulogy. Jeff said to me that he understood that people had to mourn and grieve, each in their own way, but what he wanted today was for his family and friends to celebrate his life because he had no regrets. So I would ask everyone here to take a minute to reflect on all the happy and joyful moments, the love, the laughter and funny antics which Jeff brought to all our lives, hold that in your heart and mind. For today whist in the company of each other, we will celebrate the memories and life of this most amazing man, Hella Jeff."

There was a moment of silence, broken up only by the occasional sniffle. Then Geomy fell down the stairs.

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested back in December 2016. I had originally planned to come back and work on it some more, but after leaving it sitting for almost a year I think it's better off posted as-is.


End file.
